Here I go again, being behind on my blogging. Oh well. I originally wrote part 1, because I was inspired by my friend’s blog about fitness. As a result of her great, relateable writing style, I started to really reflect about my issues with health and beauty, which then led me to reflect on other parts of my life, etc. etc. It happens.

I figure this would be an appropriate time to talk about it because my reflection sort of starts around the beginning of 2011. At the start of 2011, I was at a peak of my weight loss. I weighed less than I weighed in high school. It was nice being skinnier than I presently am, and it was a confidence boost to buy clothes in sizes 0-2. But, I wasn’t healthy. For a period of about 5 months, I had a weird stomach problem that my doctors were unable to solve. I would literally eat one bite of food and that would induce a stomachache. It was pretty ridiculous, and I basically ate just for sustenance. But I mean, I’ll be honest, I liked being skinny.  And then, one day, my stomach problems went away. I was finished with round 2 of medical tests, and stopped having stomachaches. And then! In the 5 months following my return to eating, I gained my natural weight back, and then a few extra lbs.

I feel that generally, I’m good with my body image. I try to stay positive: that it’s more about health, and beauty will follow. But after being tiny, to not so tiny anymore, (but still semi-tiny) it really does hurt your ego. And I’m not a big girl, and I’m not even chubby. But when you have a small-ish frame, there’s a big difference between 115 lbs and 120 lbs. You can see and feel exactly where those 5 lbs are on your body. (I also didn’t gain 5 lbs, I gained like 10, but that’s beside the point..I couldn’t even fit some of my usual clothes anymore!) I’ve had my battle with extreme weight loss and gain before, so it’s not anything new to me, but it is sort of a mind fuck. It’s quite depressing to be honest. Having dealt with it previously, I wanted to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later and so by October, I hired a personal trainer. (Getting a gym membership in NYC = cost of my personal trainer. Totally worth it for me!)

My personal trainer happens to be one of my close friends, so it works out really well. He has a great philosophy about health and fitness, and such a great attitude as a trainer that definitely influences me to stay healthy. For the last few years, I’ve been at a stable weight, so I’ve never really wanted to lose weight. But I wanted to feel good about what I was eating, my energy level, and know that I was healthy. My goal is to not worry about my weight. I’ve never wanted to focus on my weight more than knowing that I feel and look good, and I can go on my merry little way. But getting back into that psychology is really difficult since for the past year, part of my depression was focused on my weight loss and weight gain. (I wanted to look good for the dates I never went on!)

For 2012 and the future, I don’t want to focus on my physical health more than knowing it’s just one part of being healthy as a whole. Physical health is just part of my life that affects my mental, spiritual and emotional growth. It needs to be part of my routine where I can actually say, “Sorry, I can’t go out right now, I have to work out.” v. sacrificing my workout to go to happy hour. I’m almost there. I’ve created a support network that understands that I’m tired at 2p because I woke up at 5:30a to trek to East Village to get a work out into my schedule. But hey I woke up early so I can grab dinner with friends after work. See, how it all balances out?!? Training (I’ve switched to say “training” instead of “working out” just for my mental sanity. There’s a whole philosophy behind it that I’m too lazy to articulate right now) with my personal trainer has been great at forcing me to balance my daily routine. I feel good and productive by 8:00a, (don’t talk to me at 6:30a-7:30a though, I use every gasp of breath to curse my trainer), and start my days with a healthy and refreshed energy.

Other things I want to work on: carving out time to read more and spending less time with the tv. Maybe complete at least 2 DIY projects I have bookmarked somewhere? Asserting myself in my current relationship with the boyfriend. Figuring out what’s most important to me as I move into the next phase of adulthood (ongoing, always). I’m not one for resolutions, but I think that’s as close as I’m going to get.

Happy 2012 to the blogging world!